We all know someone who is constantly getting in and out of toxic, unstable relationships. No matter how hard they try, they just can't seem to get it right. The safe ones are boring and the fun ones never last. The fit ones are shallow and the ‘good personality’ looking ones don't quite get the juices flowing. The million dollar question, the only serious question as Tom Robbins puts it, how can we make love stay?

Like usual, the first step is the hardest: you must decide what you want. This is harder than it seems because you must separate what feels good from what is good for you. Take the humble Dorito for example. A Dorito is scientifically designed to light up your brain with a flash of happy chemicals. Those devious bastards over at Frito-Lay have concocted the exact combination of salt and sweet, crunch and heat to engulf your full attention. The Cool Ranch has an electric charge, the Spicy Nacho a neon glow.

It is no surprise that many people choose to date a Dorito. People who can flood our senses and overwhelm our emotions with their presence can be as irresistible as those lab-grown MSG triangles. Dorito people may not be as meticulously procured as their namesake, but there is still a significant element of deceit to these types of folks. There is a reason everyone likes Doritos, they are designed from the packaging to the texture to immediately satisfy. But you can never eat enough Doritos to be fully satisfied. The nutrients have been swapped for artificial flavors and colors, the absence of anything real is hidden under a mysterious blend of instantly recognizable imitations of your favorite flavors. Trying to eat enough Doritos to feel full is a sure way to end up with a tummy ache.

After going through enough Doritos, one usually feels pulled instinctively toward a salad. We feel the need to detoxify our polluted insides and offer our body relief from last night’s impulsive binge. A salad has all of the things we were missing with the Doritos: nourishment, simplicity, substance. We swap what felt good for what we know is good for us hoping to satisfy that other, deeper part of ourselves that cannot be so easily placated. The salad does not taste great, but its blandness now stands in a pleasing contrast to the explosiveness of our past Dorito spree. Not only that, we feel full in a way we never could with a million Doritos. We get our energy back, and with it a sense of ourselves. We can finally focus on something other than the desire for another Dorito.

This lasts about a week.

The problem with the salad is that despite its healthy reputation and plain, fresh taste, the nutrients are similarly bare. Though full of vitamins, minerals, and other micro-nutrients, you cannot sustain growth on salad alone. Protein, carbs, fats. Strength, integrity, personality. These are the things on which we subsist, and the salad isn't cutting it. On top of that, the lack of flavor, which at first served as a pleasant reprieve from the intensity of Flamin’ Chili-Lime powder, has now become an unbearable chore to consume. You threw out what felt good, ate only what is supposed to be good for you, and still feel unsatisfied. So what now?

If the only people exciting enough to merit your consideration are intensely attractive and persistently agreeable, then you are limited to people who intentionally act enticing to an artificial and unsustainable extent. On the other hand, if the people you are comfortable to be yourself around are too safe to maintain those more-than-friends feelings, you will never feel secure in your relationships. The only enduring solution is to find someone who can offer you both what you want and what you need. This person will not be easy to find, but you will never find them without first defining what exactly it is that you want and need. What will make you feel good every day for the rest of your days? This is not an easy question to answer, but through the process of critical self-examination you will discover who you really are. Once you know who you are, relationships are easy.

P.S.

Breaking from routine is hard, no matter how unsatisfying the routine has become. It often takes a change in perspective to disrupt the air of inevitability that accompanies submission to routine life. If the twists and turns of life do not mandate a perspective change, you must initiate it yourself. To effectively initiate your own shift in perspective, I recommend reading a good book, listening to a Bob Dylan album, or watching a classic film. If those fail, you can find about 59 trillion suggestions posted every day to Instagram (especially the fantastic account @zachtookthephoto). If you find something that works, please let me know! Until then, live life, breathe air, know somehow we’re gonna get there, and feel so wonderful.